The real sex and the city

For you

I know that feelings might seem like chains, and that you have to carry the weight of decisions, old habits and opinions. I know how hard it is to stand up for yourself, and how it´s much harder to stand up for others that you love. I know how hard it is when everyone seems to have an idea about how you should live your life..

There´s not a lot I´ve learnt in my life, not a lot that makes any sense…but I do know this.. When an individual is offered the chance to grasp happiness, then he or she should take it..because happiness is a mirage, it comes and goes and might never truly come back.

I know that it´s hard to see what truly means courage and what it requires to be a coward, but listen…no man has ever been hated or envied for being miserable. But the dreamer? The happy dreamer? He has always been sentenced to death by others.

So stay strong and decide whether you need your chains or not, but just remember that what others see as being chains has given you the most pure freedom. And I dare to say happiness. In the end, all I want is for you to be proud of the life you live.   

Crazy. Beautiful

I´ve always enjoyed watching him. Like when we were in bed, and he would read the news or how he used to put his clothes on after a night in which he was mine. I loved the way his body looked, masculine, strong and dangerous against the dark shades of his furniture…or how I could see every angle of his face when he was in front of my mirror, and that little frown he used to have on his face right before he would put on his T-shirt.

I really liked watching him when he used to explain something to me, the way in which his fingers drew invisible explanation in the air and always touch my face when he would finish telling me all the stories of the world. Or when we were out somewhere and I would watch him, mesmerized, while he was only talking. Or when he lifted a glass to his lips. God, how I used to love to discover his every move, or habit or little clumsy action.

But tonight was different. For the first time, he couldn´t see me watching him. Or at least that´s what I think. While I walked up the stairs, I wanted to stop and look at him while he was walking away…but he was there, a vision of my lost love, the only proof that I used to be so incredibly happy. And what I saw was perfect, fragile and quick. I guess it was exactly like our love, and it took me back to the time when I decided that I wanted to be his. The same posture, the same action, the same look in his eyes.

As I watched him smoke, I felt every bit of the smoke taking over my heart and every part of my love for him still there. Only now it was different. Now, we were both lost.

But I stood there, watching him and loving him. Only now, I couldn´t go running after him. Not after he showed me who he really was and then stole it away from me.

And he looked so handsome. God damn it, why does he always have to look so handsome? And I knew it, I just knew that this time, it would be so much harder than any time before. Because this time I loved. So, I watched him smoke and I couldn´t go and hug him and it killed me.  

I watched his hand holding that cigarette and I remembered every time he touched me and I felt happy and whole. I guess all I wanted was for him to be himself…just as I knew him not so long ago, when we stood still and we were infinite. He threw his cigarette away and looked around and I feel in love with him again. And I couldn´t go and kiss him and it killed me.

But, in the end, he started walking…the way he carried himself..I guess he was always better than I am at hiding these things. As I watched him walk away, I realized how much we love each other, how crazy we used to be about each other, just some weeks ago.

I saw how beautiful he still is to me. And I couldn´t do anything and it killed me. At least I proved him wrong. I did fall in love with him.

And his steps led him somewhere I wouldn´t know about. And it killed me. 

No lies, no wrongs

“I used to want you so bad”

There are many things that surprise me about myself, but the one thing that always manages to shock me is when I am so ready to give up everything for the promise of a complete love. The way in which I am capable of reshaping my heart to fit the needs of the person that I love.

We all make mistakes, it´s only human. We all say that we´re sorry when we truly are. And yes, I am sorry, I am sorry that I believed in something more. I am truly sorry that I seem to be the only soul left that doesn´t want to play games..the only soul that believes in “I love you”.

And I am sorry for trying with any possible resource to find the love I was promised. I am sorry I let myself go and let anger and frustration and desperation take over me. But the difference is that I always understood those reactions and kept them secret, protecting every bad part, just as well as I protected the good parts. Love or even the loss of it is for two people, not for the world to judge. Because people can´t stand happiness, but they feed on the misery of others.

I am truly sorry for understanding that happiness is just an accessory of love, and that I stopped looking for it beyond that. I guess I do want to love and give everything, but that isn´t of any worth in our world today. I am truly sorry that I thought someone would take care of me. I am sorry I have let my soul be carried in the mud just because people can´t comprehended that maybe, just maybe I am who I say I am. God knows the hardest battle is to not allow others to destroy whatever good is left in our souls, to let love, any type of love and the immense power to give it be our greatest flaw.    

I am sorry I have let my deepest fears take over and that I demanded the love and kindness I was promised. I am sorry I wished that the whole world would hate me, but that for one person, just for one, I would be the entire world.

I have never asked for attention, compliments not even admiration. I never needed to be desired by many men as long as I was truly desired by just one. That would be enough. The love of one man would be enough for a lifetime and I would never ask for more. And I am talking about love, not sex, not mistakes. I truly believe that the heart can see beyond that. Beyond the flaws, beyond the lost nights, beyond the mistakes that would torture our being.

I am sorry for letting go and I am sorry that nobody could see what I am about. I can´t understand why we always lose. When we stay closed and when we open up. I am sorry I had to witness my love be paraded into a world of lies and I am sorry that one person could not see beyond that. Exactly how I saw him: perfect, amazing, truly mesmerizing in my heart, and head and body.

I am sorry for many things, for admitting who I was and then being judged for it when I felt the safest. For having to walk alone after being promised forever. For needing to breathe in every scent of his love and let it take control over me.

But you know what? I´m not sorry for loving him beyond reason. I am not sorry for offering everything that I had to give. I am not sorry for telling him the truth and I am not sorry for living every day as part of his life. I´m not sorry for trying to make him happy.

I´m just sorry I couldn´t do enough for him so that he could see that I only wanted him. Only him. So badly that it hurt every cell of my tired body. I was only his and it could never be enough. And that´s my burden, my life, my stolen treasure.

And no, I´m not going to fuck his friends or anyone else for that matter. I guess it will take a long time until I can erase his fingerprints from my body. It will take a long time until I´ll be able to want someone else, or even kiss someone else. Despite of everything, even the fact that I was thrown out of his life, on the same steps I was invited into his heart, no man can even begin to compare to him. As for the fingerprints he left in my heart…I guess there are some things that time won´t be able to erase.

I´m sorry, I truly am.